"There is no good word for the opposite of lonesome. One might be tempted to suggest togetherness or contentment, but the fact that these two other words bear definition unrelated to each other perfectly displays why lonesome cannot be properly mirrored. It does not mean solitude, nor alone, nor lonely, although lonesome can contain all of those words in itself.
Lonesome means a state of being apart. Of being other. Alone-some."
-Blue Lily, Lily Blue by Maggie Stiefvater
WARNING: Personal post ahead.
I haven't blogged about it here but I am beyond obsessed with Maggie Stiefvater's The Raven Cycle series, specifically how PYNCH IS LIFE. I've never been into a ship as much as how I am with Pynch. And I mean, NEVER. It's all I thought about for days and I read so many fanfics, I'm not even proud of it. WHO AM I KIDDING? I AM VERY PROUD OF IT. I need a Pynch badge to wear. It's even in my Twitter bio. But I'm not here to talk about Pynch (that's for another lengthy discussion) but I'm here to talk about my favorite Raven Boy, Adam Parrish. Tangentially, that is. He's not really the focus because yes, that's for another discussion.
Admittedly, I haven't read Blue Lily, Lily Blue. What a fan, right? I was binging on the series and I was so ready to scratch my eyes out waiting for The Raven King when I got stumped just by the second chapter. It was because of the quote I featured above. About being lonesome.
I tried to continue reading but that passage gutted me so much that I ended up just staring into space. It resonated with my entire being that I couldn't continue reading. I remember taking a picture of the quote and posting it on Instagram, wishing that'd be enough to dispel all my ~emo~ feelings. But no. So I ended up chatting one of my friends abroad who's my go-to person for existential feelings and lonesome feelings. Final result: me curling like a ball on my bed. I couldn't do anything for the rest of the night but wallow and feel yes, lonesome.
I always said that being alone does not make lonely. You can be alone but not lonely. You can be happy while being alone. I was so sure of this. Until I read this passage and realized, but you could be lonesome.
Sure, you can still be happy while being lonesome. Early on, back in high school, I noticed that I didn't have the same tastes and/or hobbies as my peers. Even before listening to jpop and kpop and watching jdramas and kdramas have been quite the norm, I've been doing exactly that. My email address is an ode to the Japanese actor I was so obsessed with back then. I was happy, by and with myself, but I admit, it was pretty lonesome. I didn't have anyone to share it with and you know how being a fangirl equates having to shout and rave about everything with the world. That is essentially when I started blogging.
Fast forward to college, I decided that I'll start getting into American TV shows because that's the only way I can relate to people. It worked though and eventually, I lost interest in my Asian dramas and music. I've lived my life in phases so you could say that my Asian phase was over. With American TV shows, I never felt different because I can always talk to anyone about it.
Except with Homeland in recent time. I have so few people I could talk to about it that I treasure them so much. (Stop me from going on a tangent about Homeland.)
With music, I hold on tight to people with similar tastes as me. My best friend and I, when I think about it, don't really share a lot of hobbies, which makes me have to seek out other people to talk about what I need to talk about. Twitter helps. So much.
But then recently, Twitter's been making me feel ~other~ too. For example, I repeatedly tried crowdsourcing for some great Polish films but no one ever replied to me. Now, I know, not everyone watches Polish films but the realization that maybe out of all the people who could have read my tweet, no one knows or has watched one made me feel like IS NO ONE LIKE ME?
I know, in the grand scheme of things, this instance and some other more I won't list here, aren't exactly big deals. Everyone feels lonesome at some point. I am not playing the woe-is-me card and I know that there are people out there who are suffering way more crippling sadness than this but I just couldn't help blogging about it.
This is one of the reasons why Adam is my favorite raven boy. Because I simply get him. He's surrounded by his friends but he still feels like he's not part of them. Maybe he's only thinking it but still, he feels it. And that's what I feel at times too. His struggles feel like my struggles too and I just want to hug him and make him happy. Hahaha, it still all boils down to Adam Parrish. This post is just because I want to talk about Adam. Haha! Nah. I really feel lonesome at times.
I know this is a bit personal and honestly, it's the first time I'm opening up in the blog. Apparently, it feels great. You might read more soon or maybe just anything I'd like to talk about. Like stars and how they're amazing but how they also make me feel small?
Anyway, have you ever felt lonesome? When? Why? What did you do about it?
Now, how will I ever get past Chapter 2 of Blue Lily, Lily Blue?