Lonesome

Monday, March 2, 2015


"There is no good word for the opposite of lonesome. One might be tempted to suggest togetherness or contentment, but the fact that these two other words bear definition unrelated to each other perfectly displays why lonesome cannot be properly mirrored. It does not mean solitude, nor alone, nor lonely, although lonesome can contain all of those words in itself.

Lonesome means a state of being apart. Of being other. Alone-some."

-Blue Lily, Lily Blue by Maggie Stiefvater

WARNING: Personal post ahead.

I haven't blogged about it here but I am beyond obsessed with Maggie Stiefvater's The Raven Cycle series, specifically how PYNCH IS LIFE. I've never been into a ship as much as how I am with Pynch. And I mean, NEVER. It's all I thought about for days and I read so many fanfics, I'm not even proud of it. WHO AM I KIDDING? I AM VERY PROUD OF IT. I need a Pynch badge to wear. It's even in my Twitter bio. But I'm not here to talk about Pynch (that's for another lengthy discussion) but I'm here to talk about my favorite Raven Boy, Adam Parrish. Tangentially, that is. He's not really the focus because yes, that's for another discussion.

Admittedly, I haven't read Blue Lily, Lily Blue. What a fan, right? I was binging on the series and I was so ready to scratch my eyes out waiting for The Raven King when I got stumped just by the second chapter. It was because of the quote I featured above. About being lonesome.

I tried to continue reading but that passage gutted me so much that I ended up just staring into space. It resonated with my entire being that I couldn't continue reading. I remember taking a picture of the quote and posting it on Instagram, wishing that'd be enough to dispel all my ~emo~ feelings. But no. So I ended up chatting one of my friends abroad who's my go-to person for existential feelings and lonesome feelings. Final result: me curling like a ball on my bed. I couldn't do anything for the rest of the night but wallow and feel yes, lonesome.

I always said that being alone does not make lonely. You can be alone but not lonely. You can be happy while being alone. I was so sure of this. Until I read this passage and realized, but you could be lonesome.

Sure, you can still be happy while being lonesome. Early on, back in high school, I noticed that I didn't have the same tastes and/or hobbies as my peers. Even before listening to jpop and kpop and watching jdramas and kdramas have been quite the norm, I've been doing exactly that. My email address is an ode to the Japanese actor I was so obsessed with back then. I was happy, by and with myself, but I admit, it was pretty lonesome. I didn't have anyone to share it with and you know how being a fangirl equates having to shout and rave about everything with the world. That is essentially when I started blogging.

Fast forward to college, I decided that I'll start getting into American TV shows because that's the only way I can relate to people. It worked though and eventually, I lost interest in my Asian dramas and music. I've lived my life in phases so you could say that my Asian phase was over. With American TV shows, I never felt different because I can always talk to anyone about it.

Except with Homeland in recent time. I have so few people I could talk to about it that I treasure them so much. (Stop me from going on a tangent about Homeland.)

With music, I hold on tight to people with similar tastes as me. My best friend and I, when I think about it, don't really share a lot of hobbies, which makes me have to seek out other people to talk about what I need to talk about. Twitter helps. So much.

But then recently, Twitter's been making me feel ~other~ too. For example, I repeatedly tried crowdsourcing for some great Polish films but no one ever replied to me. Now, I know, not everyone watches Polish films but the realization that maybe out of all the people who could have read my tweet, no one knows or has watched one made me feel like IS NO ONE LIKE ME?

I know, in the grand scheme of things, this instance and some other more I won't list here, aren't exactly big deals. Everyone feels lonesome at some point. I am not playing the woe-is-me card and I know that there are people out there who are suffering way more crippling sadness than this but I just couldn't help blogging about it.

This is one of the reasons why Adam is my favorite raven boy. Because I simply get him.  He's surrounded by his friends but he still feels like he's not part of them. Maybe he's only thinking it but still, he feels it. And that's what I feel at times too. His struggles feel like my struggles too and I just want to hug him and make him happy. Hahaha, it still all boils down to Adam Parrish. This post is just because I want to talk about Adam. Haha! Nah. I really feel lonesome at times.

I know this is a bit personal and honestly, it's the first time I'm opening up in the blog. Apparently, it feels great. You might read more soon or maybe just anything I'd like to talk about. Like stars and how they're amazing but how they also make me feel small?

Anyway, have you ever felt lonesome? When? Why? What did you do about it?

Now, how will I ever get past Chapter 2 of Blue Lily, Lily Blue?

4 comments:

  1. I was reading an article about Jack Gilbert's poetry. I'm not familiar with his work, but apparently much of it is about his late wife, Michiko: an obsession with how both present and elusive she is to him. He said in an interview, "We never possess the ones we love; we are only visited by them—by what is always, somehow, already a ghost.” To me, this resonates with your thoughts about being "alone-some." In many ways, I feel that the people we love hold worlds inside them that we only glimpse pieces of. But we're also somewhat ghosts to ourselves: we're always discovering, mapping, claiming, and reclaiming ourselves--we're elusive, too, and not "fixed" inside. Knowing yourself is really a process of endless seeking. I think that's what cultivates a sense of "alone-some" for us, because it's by definition a solitary journey--your worlds are inside of you, mine are inside of me. You're an exceptionally sensitive person, so you're aware of your journey more than others might be. It's one of your wonderful qualities, and makes me glad to be your friend.

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    1. I read your comment last night, Beth, and I was struck by how profound it is. But now that I am taking the time to reply and ponder over it, I admit that a lone tear is currently streaking down my right cheek. For one, thank you for the great recommendation as I will now check out Jack Gilbert's poetry. The friend I was referring to in the post also told me that it is the plight of self-aware people, to use you words, be elusive even to ourselves. Thank you for being you, Beth, and for your insights and understanding. <3

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  2. Dianne, did you just read my non-existent diary and decided to post it? (Haha)
    I just...don't think this is you. You don't seem lonesome to me. Actually, I see you as an energetic and people-magnet person. If there's someone you could label as lonesome, that would be me. LOL So when I think about it, you feel lonesome, how much more for me? I've got it bad I guess.

    But yeah I have to agree with you being alone makes me happy sometimes. I'd rather be in my thoughts than be with a crowd. Maybe because I know my lonesome-ness will outshine. Twitter has even made me feeling lonesome for long now. My friends do too. Like sometimes, they took it literally and just forget about me when they have plans. It hurts, I know the feeling. But it also grew on me. I realize that I was just looking for someone to notice me, to bring me out of being lonesome-ness. But I'm tired of pleasing or explaining myself to people. So I just strive to be out of my shell every now and then, not for their benefit, but for mine. I actually don't know what I was trying to say LOL. I guess..it's that you're not alone. If I wasn't always out or busy even online, I would've replied on your tweet and ask What in the world is Polish film? (See, I've been also living under the rock.) So yeah. I guess reading your post somewhat makes me happy--don't take it in a bad way. Sometimes I feel happy when I know I'm not alone in this or know that man, I am not abnormal or that people hate me. I'm just different.

    Oh! And also, I was happy because realizing we've got another one in common. I remember our email days when we used to send back and forth about CD or I guess random things (can't remember all XD). But I believe we have a lot in common. :) Anyway, I was also trying to say I miss you!

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    1. Michelle! Actually, that's how I am. I'm very peppy and energetic when you see me but of course sometimes the kind of crowd brings it in out of me. I don't always feel lonesome but it happens. I feel bad for you though about your friends forgetting you. :( I sometimes can't relate to my friends on some things but that's fine because my BFF and I don't even have the same hobbies like I said. I hope you find better friends or something? I don't know. Thanks for dropping by, Michelle! And yes, I guess, we're not really alone, just different. I like that. :D

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